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The Pope's resignation statement

Dear brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ,

What are you doing in Jesus Christ? He doesn't like it up him, you know. He's definitely against that sort of thing. I would imagine. He didn't say, but I reckon he's against it. He's got a beard, so is probably a top, if he is gay. Is that how it works? He probably isn't. Though hanging out with all those men is a bit iffy, isn't it?

Anyway, I am sorry to announce that I am resigning as Pope with effect from the end of February. Yes, I know about the notice period but what they'll do is take it out of my annual leave, and I haven't used any up this year so far, so it's fine. Must remember to e-mail HR about my pension.

Although I enjoy the sumptuous wealth with which I am surrounded here in the Vatican, I must say I am very disappointed with one thing: the lack of pussy. I mean really, this place is full of totally gay dress-wearing blokes (I do it because I'm comfortable with my sexuality) and frigid women wearing dowdy clothes. I'm used to dowdy shoes, of course, being a German, but at least in Germany they show a bit of thigh. Ach, ja.

You may think that this decision is designed to bring on the Last Judgement, given that the next Pope, according to Malachi, will be the last. Not at all. I assure you that it's just coincidence that the bookies reckon that a man named Peter will be the next one, and that they also favour Peter as the next Papal name.

Basically, I'm really old and knackered, and just want to sit at home drinking sherry and watching repeats of "Minder" on TV (we've got cable here, you know), so that's it, really. Whatcha gonna do?

Anyway, go in peace, etc. etc. etc.

Yours papally,

Benners XVI.


( A fair point — Wade in )
11th Feb, 2013 22:45 (UTC)
Isn't he going to stay on as a "celebrity" judge for the new reality TV series "Pope Idol"?
( A fair point — Wade in )